Alternately titled : I want my Mommy. or SERIOUSLY. or I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
Things are rough right now. I’m stressed. I’m done. I’m snapping at my kids. I don’t like who I am.
My due date was July 6th. Knowing my history, and the fact that I have c-sections. I should have a baby in my arms right now. Why does this have to suck. Why do I have to have an empty womb, as well as an aching heart? I know some people would say, “Just get over it, and be thankful for the children you have.” Believe me. I’m thankful. I love those kids dearly.
At the same time I long for the baby that is with God. I long to know if it was a boy to complete our family or another girl to dress up pretty. I just want to know. Would it make it easier. Probably not. But would I feel better knowing. Yes. Or not. I don’t know. It’s not something I can answer at this point.
That’s not the only thing on my plate. My step sister is getting married on Sat. Yes, this Sat. July 3rd. I’m helping out so much. And everyone is so stressed. I’m worried about how things will turn out for her. Honestly I think I’m more stressed about her wedding, than I was my own.
Probably because mine I KNEW the day of, there was nothing I could do to change the way things played out. With this wedding, I know I can change how things play out if I’m in the right spot at the right time. I can help her if she misplaces something. If the flower girl looses her basket (which Kaitlynn better not) I can help her find it. I can help. My own wedding I was helpless.
There is so much to do yet.
My boss called today. Not the diaper store owner (I spent all day there, which was marvelous btw but that’s another post for another day!). My “real” job. The one that I do on the weekends. She basically told me that I HAVE to come in today after Joel gets home from work. Because she needs to go home and clean her house so her kids can come over.
I have 3 people staying at my house Sat. night. My house is TRASHED. Seriously. If CPS came over, they’d take my kids away, I’m sure. Well they probably wouldn’t because there is food in the fridge, clean clothes in their drawers, running water. You know. But still.
Guess what I’m getting at, (if you’re still here) is why does life have to be so hard? This isn’t even the most of my problems right now. But those things I’d rather not go into detail about for the whole world to see. I’m just tired of being stressed. I’m tired of things being so hard. FOR ONCE I’d love to just get a break. Where I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to have to handle any given situation. Things would come easy. Not that I don’t want to have to work for things.
I’m just tired of working so hard to get so little.
Hopefully the next post will be back to your regular scheduled picture viewing.
