Overcoming this feeling

If you’re new here you might not know that we’ve had a miscarriage. Only one, so please don’t feel overly sorry for me there are moms out there who truly know the loss. We’re just amatures when it comes to this whole thing. We have friends who’ve had multiple losses and have no kids yet. So I don’t really feel that bad for myself. I mean come on, I have 3 perfectly healthy children what more could I ask for.

But yet there is this sinking feeling every time someone else tells me they’re pregnant. I get angry. Upset. Anxious. And then the joy sets in for them. Some how the feeling fades away and I become happy for them. But until that feeling passes I put on a happy face and tell them Congratulations. It’s just how I deal.

I don’t want to deal anymore. I want to be. I want to truly be happy for them when they tell me, excited for them. After all it’s  been over a year, shouldn’t I have moved on by now. Though when July rolls around I know I’m going to cry. We should’ve been celebrating our sweet little baby’s first birthday. Instead we’ll carry on, and get through the day.

What’s harder almost though than knowing someone else is carrying a baby, is the face Joel gets when he finds out. It’s pure disappointment. He wants another baby just as much as I do. The baby we lost was one that brought us together after a rough  patch in our marriage. The loss brought us closer. We’ve struggled to figure out where to go from here since, but have finally found a common path. One we want to head down together.

So tell me, how do you over come this? Will I feel like this, until we complete our family and have another baby? What if that day never comes? That is the real question.

Gods plans

I was working on the pictures of the kids first day of school when I came across an email in my work inbox that pointed me towards a blog of a mother who lost her 3rd baby. As I got reading her blog, I came across videos of . oh forget it. I cannot find the words, so I’m just going to put them up here.

    

I remember reading Angie’s Blog a year or so ago. I found it when another blog that I read had linked up. I remember feeling so sad for them and their loss, but never thought the loss of a child would happen to me. I didn’t think that I would ever have a miscarriage.

I’ve been struggling with religion lately. And where I belong in it all. I know God exists, I believe he died on the cross for our sins. But I don’t “know” God. I know the basics of religion, and what I believe. On the same note, I’ve never really read many stories in the Bible. I’ve never honestly taken a deeper look at all of the things God can do.

You see Joel and I are different religions. Which really in all honesty of the picture shouldn’t matter. We both believe in God, and all of the basics, but neither of us truly know God. Joel’s family is pretty strict on going to church, and such. That’s what their religion is all about. Mine on the other hand isn’t quite so strict. We’re about teaching the stories of God, and singing praises.

I’ve had a rough time in all of the strictness that comes with Joel’s religion. So I thought taking a class to better understand it would do me some good. And it did. But I’m still at a loss. I don’t feel comfortable. It just doesn’t feel “right.” For me. (that’s the big thing here)

At that same time, we’ve been sending Dahrran to CCD once a week for the last 2 years. With us not going to church much in between. Maybe once every few months. We were doing good for a while, until I decided it didn’t feel right. This year he will be taking his first communion.

Joel and I got in a disagreement this last Wednesday because I was treated rudely by a member of his church, after talking with her about when CCD was to start. She basically told me that it was our responsibility to get the bulletin & then we would know. IF I was going to church there, then I would have gotten the bulletin. BUT since it is not my church and I have NOT been going there, how can I get the bulletin?!?!? Needless to say I told him he needed to start taking them, and deal with it if he wanted them to remain going to CCD on Wednesday nights. (which he did)

Where does this bring me? Why am I rambling. I don’t honestly know. I just know that God brought me in a direction tonight, and he wants me to figure this out. I just don’t know what he’s saying exactly. Sometimes I wish he’d just spell it out.

I cried. For the loss of my baby. For the strain this (religion) has on our marriage. For feeling lost and empty. For the longing of knowing God on a more personal level. For being the person God made me to truly be.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Alternately titled : I want my Mommy.  or SERIOUSLY. or I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.

Things are rough right now. I’m stressed. I’m done. I’m snapping at my kids. I don’t like who I am.

My due date was July 6th. Knowing my history, and the fact that I have c-sections. I should have a baby in my arms right now. Why does this have to suck. Why do I have to have an empty womb, as well as an aching heart? I know some people would say, “Just get over it, and be thankful for the children you have.” Believe me. I’m thankful. I love those kids dearly.

At the same time I long for the baby that is with God. I long to know if it was a boy to complete our family or another girl to dress up pretty. I just want to know. Would it make it easier. Probably not. But would I feel better knowing. Yes. Or not. I don’t know. It’s not something I can answer at this point.

That’s not the only thing on my plate. My step sister is getting married on Sat. Yes, this Sat. July 3rd. I’m helping out so much. And everyone is so stressed. I’m worried about how things will turn out for her. Honestly I think I’m more stressed about her wedding, than I was my own.

Probably because mine I KNEW the day of, there was nothing I could do to change the way things played out. With this wedding, I know I can change how things play out if I’m in the right spot at the right time. I can help her if she misplaces something. If the flower girl looses her basket (which Kaitlynn better not) I can help her find it. I can help. My own wedding I was helpless.

There is so much to do yet.

My boss called today. Not the diaper store owner (I spent all day there, which was marvelous btw but that’s another post for another day!). My “real” job. The one that I do on the weekends. She basically told me that I HAVE to come in today after Joel gets home from work. Because she needs to go home and clean her house so her kids can come over.

I have 3 people staying at my house Sat. night. My house is TRASHED. Seriously. If CPS came over, they’d take my kids away, I’m sure. Well they probably wouldn’t because there is food in the fridge, clean clothes in their drawers, running water. You know. But still.

Guess what I’m getting at, (if you’re still here) is why does life have to be so hard? This isn’t even the most of my problems right now. But those things I’d rather not go into detail about for the whole world to see. I’m just tired of being stressed. I’m tired of things being so hard. FOR ONCE I’d love to just get a break. Where I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to have to handle any given situation. Things would come easy. Not that I don’t want to have to work for things.

I’m just tired of working so hard to get so little.

Hopefully the next post will be back to your regular scheduled picture viewing.

Did you miss us?

I’ve had my computer back for about a week now. Life has hit us with full force here lately, and I’m struggling to get back into the swing of things. I loved not having a computer. I hated not having a computer. (only because the same time the computer cord went bad, the Direct Tv box went bad) We were outside as a family, we played together, we talked. I loved it. But I have a job, online which requires me to blog, facebook and tweet. A job that I love, but after being away for so long, that takes time.

Just like blogging here. I love it, but lately I’ve gotten so lax it’s not even funny. I’m not sure what happened to me. Taking pictures has also taken a back seat. I used to download about 200 pictures a time every couple days, weeks at the most. The last 3 months I’ve downloaded about 200 pictures per MONTH! I feel HORRIBLE. I hate that I don’t have them there for my kids.

Since I realized that fact a little under a week ago, I’ve already got 200 pictures for the month. And I’m working on more. I’ve just decided I need to get my camera out more often. My kids need these memories. Just as much as I do. I need to get my mind off of things. Baby #4’s due date is fast approaching and it sucks every time I see someone who is hugely pregnant. Someday the wounds will heal but for now they’re fresh and open. Maybe getting past that date will just make it easier.

We’ve got a lot coming up in the next two weeks. Two weeks from tomorrow my step sister will make the biggest mistake of her life be getting married to a great guy! And we’ve got a lot to do between now and then! I just can’t believe it’s that soon already. This weekend is her bachelorette party, and we have some fun things planned.

If you’re still here thanks for reading. I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things soon. There are TONS of pictures to blog about!! Okay so you know that isn’t true if you really read this whole post. But there are lots of different things we’ve done that need blogging!

Empty Feeling

Have you ever had an empty feeling inside. You can’t quite explain it, but it’s there. Your life is perfect in every way possible. There is a roof over your head, shoes on your feet, food on your table, and a warm bed to crawl into. If you’re lucky there is the pitter patter of little feet and someone who loves you unconditionally.

I’ve got all those things. Things aren’t always perfect, but compared to some peoples lives I’m a millionaire. Who knows, maybe it’s just the events of the past couple months and wanting another baby. Joel and I have talked, and decided that if Kaitlynn was our last that’s okay with us. We saw ourselves having a big family, but right now it’s obviously not in god’s plan. I’m okay with that decision. But at the same time, I’ve got this empty feeling eating me away.

Please just pray that I can find something constructive to fill it with!

Did you ?

…notice the new look?!?!?

What do you think?

Personally, I’m in LOVE with it. You see I’ve wanted a layout like this FOUR-EV-ER!! The picture header, oh the header. You see those are a few of my favorite pictures, but I couldn’t get the one of our family edited right.

I’ve done a lot of my own blog work in the past. Changing headers, creating backgrounds, changing the layout, but nothing like this. Nothing like a total makeover. When I stripped my blog down I begged and pleaded for someone to just take care of it. Take care of it, so I could focus on taking care of myself.

I wanted a fresh start.

Enter a friend I met through blogging. A friend who amazingly enough lives just 30 minutes from me. A friend who has two sweet little kiddos, one of which shares MacKenzie’s name. A friend who has been through a lot in the past year. I wish I could've helped more, but thankfully that doesn’t bother her. She’s great like that. Even though I couldn’t help her, she swooped in to help me!

Meet Jenny

Did I mention that she’s super sweet…okay so I didn’t but you guessed it, right?!?

Any who Jenny swooped in and offered to change things up around here for me! Jenny & her husband Greg have started a new business creating and installing Flash Headers. (you know like what’s up there at the top of my blog)

Jenny & Greg Designs

 Jenny was great. She took what I gave her…which believe me wasn’t much, because I didn’t know what I wanted…and turned it into beautiful, creative and awesome! I love the new look!!! Jenny sent me previews, and would change whatever I needed. Even after changing my mind a few times she still changed it up! Jenny is so great to work with.  Go on, now. . . I said go. . .Really go!!! ******************************************************And if you’re all still sitting around here, I suppose you’re all wondering how my appointment went on Monday. I’m sorry I haven’t posted sooner, but I decided yesterday to go get groceries, and it was a last minute decision.  

The appointment went well. The ultra sound showed nothing abnormal, and no little bean either. The doctor isn’t sure what was going on but decided it would be best for me to go on Provera (a hormone pill) for about 10 days. We’re hoping that will work. If it doesn’t he is talking of putting me on birth control.

 

Now, not that I have a problem with birth control because I’ve been on it before. But Joel and I are getting more in tune with our Faith, and had decided before we got pg that we would be using Natural Family Planning as our birth control from now on. It is a decision we should’ve made after we had Kaitlynn, but with everything that happened we just wanted to get through that all without having to worry.

So please say a little prayer that this works. If it doesn’t I will be looking into a Natural Family Planning physician and see if he has any suggestions. I love my doctor, but I don’t want to be forced to go on Birth Control and that’s where he was headed. Right now our Faith is more important.

My thought bubble

I’m just going to pop it. Today was a long day. Yesterday was a long day. And to think it’s Sunday and tomorrow is Monday. Honestly I cannot believe tomorrow is Monday.

Today, well that wasn’t supposed to be much of anything. Just a bridal fair to attend with my step-sister who is getting married in July. I’m her personal attendant/wedding planner (self appointed title. I want to make her day as easy as possible). On my way home last night I even stopped at the store and bought cinnamon rolls and chocolate milk for a big/family breakfast this morning.

When I woke up to the phone ringing at 7:15 am, I should’ve just known the day wasn’t going go as planned. Joel had been out since around 6am and so I figured it was him but I wasn’t expecting my dad. What came out of his mouth next made me want to go back to sleep and quit dreaming. He informed me that Joel needed me to call our veterinarian. If you’ve been reading my blog long, you know we have cattle. Seems one of my dad’s first calf heifers (first time mama) had a massive calf and there was nothing Joel could do to get it out. Fast forward an hour later and we’re preparing the cow for a c-section.

Fast forward another  2 hours and we’re on our way home and just about 20 miles from home. What happened next? Yup, you guessed it ladies and gents. We blew a flipping tire on the trailer….and did we have a spare/jack/everything you need to change a tire? Nope. (well technically we had a tire but it wasn’t a good one) The guys left in such a hurry trying to save mama and baby that we didn’t throw the jack and good tire in the truck.

It has been a long day to say the least! I was more than ready to just relax, but remember we had the bridal fair. Thankfully all went as planned there!

But tomorrow will be another long day. It’s been 7 weeks 2 days since our (my) miscarriage. I’m still bleeding. (sorry if TMI) This sucks! I’m done. Really. If you follow me on twitter, you would know that 3 weeks ago I went in to the doctor for depression/anxiety attacks and talked about it with him then. We did an ultrasound that day and everything looked okay. He figured it would be over then. Well um, nope. So I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and appointment with the doc. Say a little prayer that all goes well, and we can figure out what’s wrong?!?! Cause if I’m not low on iron it would surprise me!

Good night…….from my little though bubble

Entertaining Life

Sometimes life gets ahead of you, and other times you get ahead of life. I have days when I feel like I’m doing them both. This post is going to be quite random because my mind is all over the place. See I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s going on through it long enough to type a sentence that makes grammatical sense. So here just goes my thought bubble.

The medicine the doctor prescribed me for my depressing/anxiety attacks sits in my medicine cabinet. I haven’t taken it in about a week. I was feeling so good, and the medicine was making me feel all jittery, one day I forgot to take them. By the time I realized it I figured I’d take it at supper time. Of course I forgot later as well. Seems like it’s gone on like that since last week. The sucky thing? I needed them, and still do. The reason I was in a cleaning mood and getting things accomplished? The pills. My house hasn’t been quite as clean since I quit taking them. I just need to start them again, but not sure how/when/why. I know this is due to the depression as well. Maybe today.

My grandma is in the nursing home. My dad’s mom, my grandma who lives less than a mile from here. The one who I grew up with. She’s not doing well. She’s been in the nursing home since the day before we found out about loosing the baby. It was only supposed to be temporary. She got sick, and they sent her home from the hospital before they should’ve. She wasn’t strong enough to get around her house. So grandpa and I took her in to the hospital again trying to get her re-admitted. The instead put her in the nursing home, short term. She was supposed to be home by now. She was supposed to be home before Christmas. Another thing, we haven't told her about the miscarriage yet. We were afraid at first that it would set her progress back and then she wouldn't get to come home. Now I want to tell her. I know I shouldn't tell her when she is frail, but I need her to know. I need her to hold my baby, our baby, her great grand baby, the one she was so excited about. What would you do?

She quit breathing this morning. When grandpa admitted her, he signed a DNR. They had her in the lift when this happened so they went to lay her back in bed. She started breathing. THANK GOD. But she hasn’t been eating well, and there was a mass on her liver which they drained on Friday. Things just don’t look good. Please if you’re the praying type say a little prayer that God helps her find peace in the life she chooses to live from now on out.

****UPDATED**** As of 2:16 (while I was writing this post) my dad called to inform me they were going to admit her to the hospital. She is now refusing to eat, take medications, and isn’t doing too well. The kids and I are going to go see her after Dahrran gets home from school. These are a few pictures of her and Kaitlynn back from August. The last time we went out to get Grapes & Cookies. They always have grapes and cookies for the kids, and usually grandpa brings them to us. This day we went out there. Grandma usually has her wig on but we sometimes catch her without it. I think Kaitlynn looks JUST like grandma in every way. She has her hands, personality facial features you name it!

Not the way you planned

I got this from a Friend today and I’m thankful for her. You see it was a friend I’ve never “met”, but we’re best friends and talk on the phone every day! You see God sends these people into our lives for reasons unknown to us, but one day he shows us just why he sends them to us.

Someday we will understand the path we’re lead on.

But until then………….

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A Tale of Trees:

Once there were three trees on a hill in the woods.

They were discussing their hopes and dreams when the first tree said, 'Someday I hope to be a great treasure chest.  I could be filled with gold, silver and precious gems. I could be decorated with an intricate carving and everyone would see the beauty.'

Then the second tree said, 'Someday I will be a mighty ship. I will take Kings and Queens across the waters and sail to the corners of the world. People will feel safe in me because of the strength of my hull.'

Finally the third tree said, 'I want to grow to be the tallest and straightest tree in the forest. People will see me on top of the hill, look up to my branches, and think of the heavens and God and how close to them I am reaching. I will be the greatest tree of all time and people will always remember me.'

After a few years of praying that their dreams would come true, a group of woodsmen came upon the trees. When one came to the first tree he said, 'This looks like a strong tree, I think I should be able to sell the wood to a carpenter, and he began cutting it down. The tree was happy, because he knew the carpenter would make him into a treasure chest.

At the second tree the woodsman said, 'This looks like a strong tree.  I will be able to sell it to the shipyard.' The second tree was happy because he knew he was on his way to becoming a mighty ship.

When the woodsmen came upon the third tree, the tree was frightened because he knew that if they cut him down his dreams would not come true.  One of the men said,'I don't need anything special from my tree, I'll take this one,' and he cut it down.

When the first tree arrived at the carpenters, he was made into a feed box for animals. He was then placed in a barn and filled with hay. This was not at all what he had prayed for.

The second tree was cut and made into a small fishing boat.  His dreams of being a mighty ship and carrying Kings had come to an end.

The third tree was cut into large pieces, and left alone in the dark.

The years went by, and the trees forgot about their dreams.

Then one day, a man and woman came to the barn. She gave birth and they placed the baby in the hay in the feed box that was made from the first tree. The man wished that he could have made a crib for the baby, but this manger would have to do. The tree could feel the importance of this event and knew that it had held the greatest treasure of all time.

Years later, a group of men got in the fishing boat made from the second tree.  One of them was tired and went to sleep. While they were out on the water, a great storm arose and the tree didn't think it was strong enough to keep the men safe. The men woke the sleeping man, and he stood and said 'Peace' and the storm stopped.  At this time,the tree knew that it had carried the King of Kings in its boat.

Finally, someone came and got the third tree.  It was carried through the streets as the people mocked the man who was carrying it. When they came to a stop, the man was nailed to the tree and raised in the air to die at the top of a hill. When Sunday came, the tree came to realize that it was strong enough to stand at the top of the hill and be as close to God as was possible, because Jesus had been crucified on it.

The moral of this story is that when things don't seem to be going your way, always know that God has a plan for you. If you place your trust in Him, God will give you great gifts.

Each of the trees got what they wanted, just not in the way they had imagined...

We don't always know what God's plans are for us. We just know that His Ways are not our ways, but His ways are always best.

Please keep this moving....... Pass it on, so God may inspire more people on the way.

May your day be blessed. And until we meet again, may God cradle you in the palm of His hand.

The whole Story

We found out we were pg October 27. My grandma had just passed away the day before, and I was tired of Joel begging me to take a test, when I knew my period wasn't due for a few more days. We'd been trying for 6 months with no success. I took the test shortly after lunch, and it said positive. I was so excited, but was bound and determined I was going to tell Joel in a FUN way. So knowing I only had a few hours until he got home MacKenzie and I headed to the basement to make a shirt for Kaitlynn. We painted and labored away, and before I knew it Joel was on his way home. Kaitlynn was still sleeping, so we had to wake her up, and unfortunately she was running a temp. She wasn't in much of a mood to wake up let alone change shirts and go to her daddy.

When Joel got home I had Kaitlynn meet him at the back door wearing her shirt that said "Big Sister in Training" and holding the test. I kept telling her give it to daddy. He just stood there shocked. Staring at her. It was priceless, and I'll never forget it. This was the first time I've surprised him. *With Dahrran I just told him scared, b/c I was still in HS he was in College. With MacKenzie I told him over the phone b/c I was so excited/scared, we were supposed to be getting married, and she was due 1 week before our wedding date. And well with Kaitlynn, he told me. I'd taken a test and it was negative, so I threw it away (after a year/months of trying I was tired of neg test) 2 hours later he goes in and takes it out and it was positive.*

Things went smoothly and we decided to wait until Thanksgiving to tell our families. This was the longest we'd ever waited to tell anyone. It got easier as the days went on, except when I wasn't feeling well. The pg hormones were kicking in and I was feeling more pg than ever. We told our families on Thanksgiving, and everyone was excited. At this point I still hadn't went to the doctor, but had taken the required OB class through the hospital so I could see my doctor. Everything was going good, so I wasn't in any hurry to get in. My dr doesn't usually see you until you were 10-12 weeks along, so I scheduled my appointment for 11 weeks.

At my dr. appointment on December 15, Joel & the girls went with me. My Dr. had a medical student working with him, and she came in first. She tried to find the heartbeat, but couldn't. We figured it was just because I'm a heavier girl, and she is new. When my Dr came in he went ahead and looked for the heartbeat first. After 15 minutes and still no heartbeat, he decided maybe baby was just being uncooperative and maybe after some messing with me during my PAP would help. He send DH and the girls out and we did all the girly stuff.
Dr. said my uterus was tilted (which I still know nothing about and why it's like that) and that he after better feeling he thought baby was in a certain spot. He went ahead and tried to find the HB again. After a few more minutes he said to me "It's early, and so I could just not be able to find it yet. We can have you come back in two weeks, you'll be 13 weeks then and it should be easier to find then." He went ahead and went out so I could get dressed and sent DH back in. When I got dressed, and he came back in he said "If you guys don't mind, I have one more patient, and then we could go down and do an u/s just to make sure things are okay." Of course we said yes, and waited.

We went in for the ultrasound and my bladder wasn't very full, and he couldn't see anything but the Gestational Sac. We were given the option of an internal ultrasound or eating lunch and coming back. Having the girls with us, and it being 12 (apt time was 10:45) we opted for lunch and filling my bladder. An Hour & full bladder later, we still couldn't see anything. They sent the girls out while we got the internal u/s ready and let the girls come back in. We then could see the little one. Baby was measuring 8w4d, and I was 11 weeks. Dr said well maybe your dates are off. I was 100% certain on my dates b/c I'd written them down.

He turns on the heart rate thing where they listen. Nothing. No heartbeat. Just whooshing. Nothing. Then he turns on the colored part where you can see the heart. Nothing. No color on the baby.

He goes ahead and tells me let's schedule another u/s in two days with the u/s tech and go from there. He was still saying something about my dates being off, but it was possible I'd miscarried. I was unsure what to do/say. We walked out and tried to schedule the appointment when he wanted it but couldn't b/c they were booked. I took the soonest appointment to when he wanted me there and left crying. A nurse from the clinic called me about an hour later and had set up and 8am appointment on Thursday December 17.

We showed up 10 minutes early for the u/s and waited. I had a full bladder but the u/s tech couldn't see anything but the Sac again. We opted for the internal u/s again, and then saw the babe. Baby was measuring 8w6d. So we had hope. The baby had grown in two days, and we had hope. Until we turned on the little color part. There was still no color. The u/s tech ended the u/s then, and said I'm so sorry, patted my knee and told me where the things were to clean up and to leave the door open when I was done.

Just like that.

I was sent home, and told my doctor would call. Joel & I didn't say 5 words the whole way home.

When he called he told me that after looking over my numbers it was certain that I was miscarrying. He prescribed me Cytotec and told me how to take them and what not. He told me the things I needed to do, and I vaguely remember what he said. All I knew is I was supposed to take these pills, and within 24 hours it would be over.

It’s now been almost 3 weeks since we first knew something was going on. It’s been hard. It’s been rough, but at the same time I thank God because I’m alive, and this too shall pass. God knows my path in life, and knows which road I should take even if I don’t believe him right now.

I’m not going to try and be a downer this New Year. I’ve got some fun posts about our Christmas, and such coming up so please stay tuned. I mainly wanted this here for reference. So I don’t ever loose it!

Wordless Wednesday

These pictures won’t be too good after Christmas, so I though I’d just better get motivated to post them.

      

   
And then there is the ONLY picture I can find with all three of the kids in front of the tree(2008). Bad Mommy!

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Would you mind? If I shared the story I’ve written up about everything that happened last week. I have already written it up, but want a way to have it stored for memory purposes. So do you all mind if I post it here? Let me know what you think. It’s just very long, and somewhat detailed, but I want to remember it, so we never forget.

Happy 5 year anniversary

 

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Sorry I’m not going to say much else. We’re facing a tough time right now, and unfortunately it deals with our newest family member. We found out on Tuesday that baby #4 had no heart beat, and we’d lost him/her around 8 weeks. Thank you ahead of time for the thoughts and prayers.

I won’t be posting again before Christmas, and probably won’t be blogging much from now on. At least for a while. If you still want to keep in touch with our family, let me know here, and I will email you my Facebook name/profile/whatever you call it.

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to you and yours! Hug  your families all you can!!!

The post I leave untitled

More tomorrow……