Gods plans

I was working on the pictures of the kids first day of school when I came across an email in my work inbox that pointed me towards a blog of a mother who lost her 3rd baby. As I got reading her blog, I came across videos of . oh forget it. I cannot find the words, so I’m just going to put them up here.

    

I remember reading Angie’s Blog a year or so ago. I found it when another blog that I read had linked up. I remember feeling so sad for them and their loss, but never thought the loss of a child would happen to me. I didn’t think that I would ever have a miscarriage.

I’ve been struggling with religion lately. And where I belong in it all. I know God exists, I believe he died on the cross for our sins. But I don’t “know” God. I know the basics of religion, and what I believe. On the same note, I’ve never really read many stories in the Bible. I’ve never honestly taken a deeper look at all of the things God can do.

You see Joel and I are different religions. Which really in all honesty of the picture shouldn’t matter. We both believe in God, and all of the basics, but neither of us truly know God. Joel’s family is pretty strict on going to church, and such. That’s what their religion is all about. Mine on the other hand isn’t quite so strict. We’re about teaching the stories of God, and singing praises.

I’ve had a rough time in all of the strictness that comes with Joel’s religion. So I thought taking a class to better understand it would do me some good. And it did. But I’m still at a loss. I don’t feel comfortable. It just doesn’t feel “right.” For me. (that’s the big thing here)

At that same time, we’ve been sending Dahrran to CCD once a week for the last 2 years. With us not going to church much in between. Maybe once every few months. We were doing good for a while, until I decided it didn’t feel right. This year he will be taking his first communion.

Joel and I got in a disagreement this last Wednesday because I was treated rudely by a member of his church, after talking with her about when CCD was to start. She basically told me that it was our responsibility to get the bulletin & then we would know. IF I was going to church there, then I would have gotten the bulletin. BUT since it is not my church and I have NOT been going there, how can I get the bulletin?!?!? Needless to say I told him he needed to start taking them, and deal with it if he wanted them to remain going to CCD on Wednesday nights. (which he did)

Where does this bring me? Why am I rambling. I don’t honestly know. I just know that God brought me in a direction tonight, and he wants me to figure this out. I just don’t know what he’s saying exactly. Sometimes I wish he’d just spell it out.

I cried. For the loss of my baby. For the strain this (religion) has on our marriage. For feeling lost and empty. For the longing of knowing God on a more personal level. For being the person God made me to truly be.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.