Gods plans

I was working on the pictures of the kids first day of school when I came across an email in my work inbox that pointed me towards a blog of a mother who lost her 3rd baby. As I got reading her blog, I came across videos of . oh forget it. I cannot find the words, so I’m just going to put them up here.

    

I remember reading Angie’s Blog a year or so ago. I found it when another blog that I read had linked up. I remember feeling so sad for them and their loss, but never thought the loss of a child would happen to me. I didn’t think that I would ever have a miscarriage.

I’ve been struggling with religion lately. And where I belong in it all. I know God exists, I believe he died on the cross for our sins. But I don’t “know” God. I know the basics of religion, and what I believe. On the same note, I’ve never really read many stories in the Bible. I’ve never honestly taken a deeper look at all of the things God can do.

You see Joel and I are different religions. Which really in all honesty of the picture shouldn’t matter. We both believe in God, and all of the basics, but neither of us truly know God. Joel’s family is pretty strict on going to church, and such. That’s what their religion is all about. Mine on the other hand isn’t quite so strict. We’re about teaching the stories of God, and singing praises.

I’ve had a rough time in all of the strictness that comes with Joel’s religion. So I thought taking a class to better understand it would do me some good. And it did. But I’m still at a loss. I don’t feel comfortable. It just doesn’t feel “right.” For me. (that’s the big thing here)

At that same time, we’ve been sending Dahrran to CCD once a week for the last 2 years. With us not going to church much in between. Maybe once every few months. We were doing good for a while, until I decided it didn’t feel right. This year he will be taking his first communion.

Joel and I got in a disagreement this last Wednesday because I was treated rudely by a member of his church, after talking with her about when CCD was to start. She basically told me that it was our responsibility to get the bulletin & then we would know. IF I was going to church there, then I would have gotten the bulletin. BUT since it is not my church and I have NOT been going there, how can I get the bulletin?!?!? Needless to say I told him he needed to start taking them, and deal with it if he wanted them to remain going to CCD on Wednesday nights. (which he did)

Where does this bring me? Why am I rambling. I don’t honestly know. I just know that God brought me in a direction tonight, and he wants me to figure this out. I just don’t know what he’s saying exactly. Sometimes I wish he’d just spell it out.

I cried. For the loss of my baby. For the strain this (religion) has on our marriage. For feeling lost and empty. For the longing of knowing God on a more personal level. For being the person God made me to truly be.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Alternately titled : I want my Mommy.  or SERIOUSLY. or I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.

Things are rough right now. I’m stressed. I’m done. I’m snapping at my kids. I don’t like who I am.

My due date was July 6th. Knowing my history, and the fact that I have c-sections. I should have a baby in my arms right now. Why does this have to suck. Why do I have to have an empty womb, as well as an aching heart? I know some people would say, “Just get over it, and be thankful for the children you have.” Believe me. I’m thankful. I love those kids dearly.

At the same time I long for the baby that is with God. I long to know if it was a boy to complete our family or another girl to dress up pretty. I just want to know. Would it make it easier. Probably not. But would I feel better knowing. Yes. Or not. I don’t know. It’s not something I can answer at this point.

That’s not the only thing on my plate. My step sister is getting married on Sat. Yes, this Sat. July 3rd. I’m helping out so much. And everyone is so stressed. I’m worried about how things will turn out for her. Honestly I think I’m more stressed about her wedding, than I was my own.

Probably because mine I KNEW the day of, there was nothing I could do to change the way things played out. With this wedding, I know I can change how things play out if I’m in the right spot at the right time. I can help her if she misplaces something. If the flower girl looses her basket (which Kaitlynn better not) I can help her find it. I can help. My own wedding I was helpless.

There is so much to do yet.

My boss called today. Not the diaper store owner (I spent all day there, which was marvelous btw but that’s another post for another day!). My “real” job. The one that I do on the weekends. She basically told me that I HAVE to come in today after Joel gets home from work. Because she needs to go home and clean her house so her kids can come over.

I have 3 people staying at my house Sat. night. My house is TRASHED. Seriously. If CPS came over, they’d take my kids away, I’m sure. Well they probably wouldn’t because there is food in the fridge, clean clothes in their drawers, running water. You know. But still.

Guess what I’m getting at, (if you’re still here) is why does life have to be so hard? This isn’t even the most of my problems right now. But those things I’d rather not go into detail about for the whole world to see. I’m just tired of being stressed. I’m tired of things being so hard. FOR ONCE I’d love to just get a break. Where I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to have to handle any given situation. Things would come easy. Not that I don’t want to have to work for things.

I’m just tired of working so hard to get so little.

Hopefully the next post will be back to your regular scheduled picture viewing.

Did you miss us?

I’ve had my computer back for about a week now. Life has hit us with full force here lately, and I’m struggling to get back into the swing of things. I loved not having a computer. I hated not having a computer. (only because the same time the computer cord went bad, the Direct Tv box went bad) We were outside as a family, we played together, we talked. I loved it. But I have a job, online which requires me to blog, facebook and tweet. A job that I love, but after being away for so long, that takes time.

Just like blogging here. I love it, but lately I’ve gotten so lax it’s not even funny. I’m not sure what happened to me. Taking pictures has also taken a back seat. I used to download about 200 pictures a time every couple days, weeks at the most. The last 3 months I’ve downloaded about 200 pictures per MONTH! I feel HORRIBLE. I hate that I don’t have them there for my kids.

Since I realized that fact a little under a week ago, I’ve already got 200 pictures for the month. And I’m working on more. I’ve just decided I need to get my camera out more often. My kids need these memories. Just as much as I do. I need to get my mind off of things. Baby #4’s due date is fast approaching and it sucks every time I see someone who is hugely pregnant. Someday the wounds will heal but for now they’re fresh and open. Maybe getting past that date will just make it easier.

We’ve got a lot coming up in the next two weeks. Two weeks from tomorrow my step sister will make the biggest mistake of her life be getting married to a great guy! And we’ve got a lot to do between now and then! I just can’t believe it’s that soon already. This weekend is her bachelorette party, and we have some fun things planned.

If you’re still here thanks for reading. I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things soon. There are TONS of pictures to blog about!! Okay so you know that isn’t true if you really read this whole post. But there are lots of different things we’ve done that need blogging!

Admitting

It's hard to admit when you need help. Help with little things like doing the dishes. Help with big things like what's going through your mind.

Friday night was a scary night for me. The things going through my head hadn't been there before, but they were making me afraid of myself. It has been one month since we found out we lost baby #4. When I realized it, I just lost it. Somehow though I knew before I "knew" what day it was. I was having panic attacks most of the afternoon, and when I realized what day it was they got even worse.

It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't know what you're going through. I had a hard time talking to Joel about it, in fact he was upset because I wasn't talking at all. Sometimes you just don't know how to explain it. How to tell someone what is going through your head when you don't even know what is going through your head.

On Saturday morning I admitted what was going through to him and to myself. I realized that I needed help. I couldn't keep going on with the thoughts in my head. Thoughts I couldn't control, thoughts that scared the hell out of me.

So today I admit to you all that I needed help. Help fighting against what my mind is telling me to do. Help from my family & friends to support me in this fight. Help knowing I'm not the only one going through this, and the strength to move on.