Alternately titled : I want my Mommy. or SERIOUSLY. or I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.
Things are rough right now. I’m stressed. I’m done. I’m snapping at my kids. I don’t like who I am.
My due date was July 6th. Knowing my history, and the fact that I have c-sections. I should have a baby in my arms right now. Why does this have to suck. Why do I have to have an empty womb, as well as an aching heart? I know some people would say, “Just get over it, and be thankful for the children you have.” Believe me. I’m thankful. I love those kids dearly.
At the same time I long for the baby that is with God. I long to know if it was a boy to complete our family or another girl to dress up pretty. I just want to know. Would it make it easier. Probably not. But would I feel better knowing. Yes. Or not. I don’t know. It’s not something I can answer at this point.
That’s not the only thing on my plate. My step sister is getting married on Sat. Yes, this Sat. July 3rd. I’m helping out so much. And everyone is so stressed. I’m worried about how things will turn out for her. Honestly I think I’m more stressed about her wedding, than I was my own.
Probably because mine I KNEW the day of, there was nothing I could do to change the way things played out. With this wedding, I know I can change how things play out if I’m in the right spot at the right time. I can help her if she misplaces something. If the flower girl looses her basket (which Kaitlynn better not) I can help her find it. I can help. My own wedding I was helpless.
There is so much to do yet.
My boss called today. Not the diaper store owner (I spent all day there, which was marvelous btw but that’s another post for another day!). My “real” job. The one that I do on the weekends. She basically told me that I HAVE to come in today after Joel gets home from work. Because she needs to go home and clean her house so her kids can come over.
I have 3 people staying at my house Sat. night. My house is TRASHED. Seriously. If CPS came over, they’d take my kids away, I’m sure. Well they probably wouldn’t because there is food in the fridge, clean clothes in their drawers, running water. You know. But still.
Guess what I’m getting at, (if you’re still here) is why does life have to be so hard? This isn’t even the most of my problems right now. But those things I’d rather not go into detail about for the whole world to see. I’m just tired of being stressed. I’m tired of things being so hard. FOR ONCE I’d love to just get a break. Where I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to have to handle any given situation. Things would come easy. Not that I don’t want to have to work for things.
I’m just tired of working so hard to get so little.
Hopefully the next post will be back to your regular scheduled picture viewing.
*****HUGS****** I know how you're feeling & will be praying for you. I wish I could come help! I hope things start to get a little easier run more smoothly for you soon!
ReplyDeleteAmanda-here is a *hug* for you! I wanted to let you know that you're not alone! I thought maybe the sunshine and summer would help things-blah! they haven't :(
ReplyDeleteI just keep praying and seeking to find out what and when things are going to get better!
We should meet in Lincoln or something (I think that seems like 1/2 way) for coffee, shopping, or walking sometime! Let me know!
Patti
I felt the same exact way this whole last week. Sick and tired of everything being so hard. I was pretty angry at the world, but it passed. Finally. Keep taking deep breaths and eventually this will all pass and you'll find a happy place again. {{strength to you during the weekend}}
ReplyDeleteSo sorry you're dealing with all that-- and believe me, we all get to that dark place. Sending hugs and happy thoughts... and a reminder that you WILL come out on the other side.
ReplyDeleteSending lots of hugs and prayers your way! You are allowed to feel whatever you feel, just give yourself time to grieve and heal. I wish we lived closer, I would offer to watch your kids for a bit. Make sure you're making time for yourself.
ReplyDeleteDon't feel guilty for feeling bad.
ReplyDeleteAnd even though things *really* stink, this time will pass - you won't be stuck here forever.
Meanwhile, do what you can, breathe, and have some chocolate.
Just keep swimming...keep your head far enough above the water to breathe and very soon you will start feeling better. It's been almost a month since my first due date and I'm really starting to feel better. It just happened one day that I enjoyed hanging out with my family again and looked forward to doing things with them. Your time will come. I'm not as freaked out about facing the next date and hopefully I won't freak out when it comes. You have a lot going on and the extra stress doesn't help. Hang in there girlie!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you friend! Hang in there and know you have a lot of friends who love and care for you!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I've been there too, I remember the feeling of sorrow. Know I am praying for you and sending hugs... And dont forget to pray! Only He can truly ease our burdens (and we know He is willing to take them completely!!). "Oh, how praying rests the weary, prayer will change the night to day. So, when life gets dark and dreary, don't forget to pray."
ReplyDeleteoh amanda. it is so hard to approach a due date that will bring nothing but tears. even though i was pregnant, it hurt both times this year.
ReplyDeleteGod has pretty much promised us that it won't be easy. so that's my answer as to why it's so hard. but even though it isn't easy...it's SO worth it. CPS would take my kids if they saw my house most days too!!
keep on keeping on!!
So sorry for your loss and heartache. Hugs definately go out to you....
ReplyDelete