Gods plans

I was working on the pictures of the kids first day of school when I came across an email in my work inbox that pointed me towards a blog of a mother who lost her 3rd baby. As I got reading her blog, I came across videos of . oh forget it. I cannot find the words, so I’m just going to put them up here.

    

I remember reading Angie’s Blog a year or so ago. I found it when another blog that I read had linked up. I remember feeling so sad for them and their loss, but never thought the loss of a child would happen to me. I didn’t think that I would ever have a miscarriage.

I’ve been struggling with religion lately. And where I belong in it all. I know God exists, I believe he died on the cross for our sins. But I don’t “know” God. I know the basics of religion, and what I believe. On the same note, I’ve never really read many stories in the Bible. I’ve never honestly taken a deeper look at all of the things God can do.

You see Joel and I are different religions. Which really in all honesty of the picture shouldn’t matter. We both believe in God, and all of the basics, but neither of us truly know God. Joel’s family is pretty strict on going to church, and such. That’s what their religion is all about. Mine on the other hand isn’t quite so strict. We’re about teaching the stories of God, and singing praises.

I’ve had a rough time in all of the strictness that comes with Joel’s religion. So I thought taking a class to better understand it would do me some good. And it did. But I’m still at a loss. I don’t feel comfortable. It just doesn’t feel “right.” For me. (that’s the big thing here)

At that same time, we’ve been sending Dahrran to CCD once a week for the last 2 years. With us not going to church much in between. Maybe once every few months. We were doing good for a while, until I decided it didn’t feel right. This year he will be taking his first communion.

Joel and I got in a disagreement this last Wednesday because I was treated rudely by a member of his church, after talking with her about when CCD was to start. She basically told me that it was our responsibility to get the bulletin & then we would know. IF I was going to church there, then I would have gotten the bulletin. BUT since it is not my church and I have NOT been going there, how can I get the bulletin?!?!? Needless to say I told him he needed to start taking them, and deal with it if he wanted them to remain going to CCD on Wednesday nights. (which he did)

Where does this bring me? Why am I rambling. I don’t honestly know. I just know that God brought me in a direction tonight, and he wants me to figure this out. I just don’t know what he’s saying exactly. Sometimes I wish he’d just spell it out.

I cried. For the loss of my baby. For the strain this (religion) has on our marriage. For feeling lost and empty. For the longing of knowing God on a more personal level. For being the person God made me to truly be.

Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Mowing the lawn

What’s your take on mowing the lawn?

Personally to me it’s something that should be done on a regular basis, along with trimming too. As soon as the grass starts to look shaggy, it needs to be cut.

Sadly this is NOT what happens at our house. Usually what happens is we get to it when one of us decides that it HAS to be done….as in we might get a notice from the Village if we don’t get it cut. (okay so it’s never actually been bad enough to think about getting a notice but I’m sure our neighbors are talking about it!)

Last night I mowed the lawn. For the first time in.a.month. The front lawn didn’t look to bad, and it only choked up the lawnmower once. Inside our privacy fence was another story though. There was weeds grass that were taller than the lawnmower. Let’s just you could’ve lost a small child back there…..I’m surprised I didn’t find one!

Please tell me I’m not the only one that totally let’s the lawn go at the end of the summer. Only to curse the whole time I’m trying to get it “back in shape.” It’s so embarrassing, that I didn’t even take pictures! Because that would mean I would actually have to admit that it got that bad!

No I didn’t fall off the face of the earth

I promise. But for all you enemies out there….you can keep thinking I did, and keep on partying up!

We’ve been busy. I know that’s what I always say. But it’s true. And well I haven’t exactly been in the blogging mood. Seems I got a bit down for a while, and just didn’t know what to write. But either way I’m back to stay.

I’ve been such a bad bloggy friend as well. Only reading a handful of blogs, and missing the others. So I’m going to try and play the catch up game. If I don’t leave you a comment don’t feel left out. I’m going to read each and every update on my blog “MUST READ” list! If you’re not on the bottom of my blog, and would like to be, please leave me your blog address in the comments. I want to make sure I get everyone. I know there are a few blogs that I just keep forgetting to add!

As for what’s been going on in our lives. Dahrran, MacKenzie and Kaitlynn started school on August 18th. Yes, they all started school. Yes I cried like a little baby. It was a sad day. I called my mom afterwards and just sat there are cried. She made the comment that it was quiet here, to which I replied…TOO Quiet, and started crying again. I do have pictures, and will probably make them a Wordless Wednesday post soon!

Also I picked up another part time job…..not sure if I posted that in my last blog or not. (and well frankly I’m too lazy to actually go look!) It was supposed to fill my time for when Kaitlynn was in school, just a few days a week. It’s turned into a 15-25 hour a week job. I’m not complaining, but it does take up my time. So therefore at the end of the day I feel like I’m not getting anything done.

Our laptop died. It started acting funky, and then when we were babysitting our niece and nephew Joel accidentally stepped on it. Yes, it was partially my fault, and I’ll take the blame. I saw it laying on the floor, and knew he was about to walk that way carrying the playpen. But I figured he was the one who put it there so he’ll remember…..well he didn’t. It worked for a while, until of course the power cord went kaput. So we finally decided it was time to make the purchase of a desktop. It’s been 6 years since we had a desktop, and sadly I miss my laptop. BUT I like the fact that hopefully this one won’t get stepped on.  But this also means that I don’t have our pictures transfered over. Thankfully I was able to get them all on jump drives before it crashed for good. Slowly I’ll get them posted!

There you have it. I’m behind, playing catch up, and hope to be a better blogger! Hope to see you all around soon! OH before I forget. I have a few more Favorite Fluff Friday’s coming up…….so watch for those in the coming weeks. (yes Kaitlynn is potty trained, and yes I’m SO far behind on these reviews.)

Girls Rule

BOYS DROOL 

 

Yup, his sisters beat him up. No Kaitlynn doesn’t get a binky anymore. (except when she finds them)
 

Now you see why CPS would take my kids away. When I say my house is trashed, I really mean it! It’s not always that bad, but 75% of the time it’s that bad! :(

 

Why does it have to be so hard?

Alternately titled : I want my Mommy.  or SERIOUSLY. or I’m about to have a nervous breakdown.

Things are rough right now. I’m stressed. I’m done. I’m snapping at my kids. I don’t like who I am.

My due date was July 6th. Knowing my history, and the fact that I have c-sections. I should have a baby in my arms right now. Why does this have to suck. Why do I have to have an empty womb, as well as an aching heart? I know some people would say, “Just get over it, and be thankful for the children you have.” Believe me. I’m thankful. I love those kids dearly.

At the same time I long for the baby that is with God. I long to know if it was a boy to complete our family or another girl to dress up pretty. I just want to know. Would it make it easier. Probably not. But would I feel better knowing. Yes. Or not. I don’t know. It’s not something I can answer at this point.

That’s not the only thing on my plate. My step sister is getting married on Sat. Yes, this Sat. July 3rd. I’m helping out so much. And everyone is so stressed. I’m worried about how things will turn out for her. Honestly I think I’m more stressed about her wedding, than I was my own.

Probably because mine I KNEW the day of, there was nothing I could do to change the way things played out. With this wedding, I know I can change how things play out if I’m in the right spot at the right time. I can help her if she misplaces something. If the flower girl looses her basket (which Kaitlynn better not) I can help her find it. I can help. My own wedding I was helpless.

There is so much to do yet.

My boss called today. Not the diaper store owner (I spent all day there, which was marvelous btw but that’s another post for another day!). My “real” job. The one that I do on the weekends. She basically told me that I HAVE to come in today after Joel gets home from work. Because she needs to go home and clean her house so her kids can come over.

I have 3 people staying at my house Sat. night. My house is TRASHED. Seriously. If CPS came over, they’d take my kids away, I’m sure. Well they probably wouldn’t because there is food in the fridge, clean clothes in their drawers, running water. You know. But still.

Guess what I’m getting at, (if you’re still here) is why does life have to be so hard? This isn’t even the most of my problems right now. But those things I’d rather not go into detail about for the whole world to see. I’m just tired of being stressed. I’m tired of things being so hard. FOR ONCE I’d love to just get a break. Where I didn’t have to worry about how I was going to have to handle any given situation. Things would come easy. Not that I don’t want to have to work for things.

I’m just tired of working so hard to get so little.

Hopefully the next post will be back to your regular scheduled picture viewing.

Wordless Wednesday – The Mud Puddle

*Kinda Wordless * You have know the story behind these pictures. MacKenzie was with Grandpa on a “camping” trip, off to a bird swap meet. I was mowing the lawn when I saw Kaitlynn slowly heading closer and closer to the mud puddle that had become out in front of our house where we park. Each time I made a pass that way towards it I would tell her “Don’t go in that puddle.” Each time she would give me this little grin, but stay away. Finally when I was getting closer to being done and was always up front, I decided why not. Why not let them be kids and just have fun.

Kaitlynn stood next to the puddle and gave me the “PLEASE?!?!?” look. I told her to go ahead, and then I headed in the house where Joel was. As we were standing in the doorway he asks me “Did you see your daughter?!”, to which I replied… “That’s why I’m in here dear, I’m grabbing my camera.”

I think the pictures tell the rest of the story. Boy did they have fun!! Kaitlynn asks on a daily basis, “Mud Pies??”

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Baseball Season

Joel was the head coach this year for Dahrran’s baseball team. We had a rough time coming up with 10 boys because the coaches last year pushed a few families away. This year was all about having fun. It wasn’t about winning and loosing, it was about playing, learning and having fun. We didn’t win a single league game, but we did win one tournament game that was just for fun.

Joel also had some great help this year as well. We had a couple help us out that we didn’t know all that well before, and have now become great friends with. It’s amazing how that happens! We also had a great group of boys, who all have great potential for next year!

Here’s just a few of my favorite pictures from the season! Since I was in the dugout doing books I didn’t get as many pictures as I did last year, but I still got some good shots!