Overcoming this feeling

If you’re new here you might not know that we’ve had a miscarriage. Only one, so please don’t feel overly sorry for me there are moms out there who truly know the loss. We’re just amatures when it comes to this whole thing. We have friends who’ve had multiple losses and have no kids yet. So I don’t really feel that bad for myself. I mean come on, I have 3 perfectly healthy children what more could I ask for.

But yet there is this sinking feeling every time someone else tells me they’re pregnant. I get angry. Upset. Anxious. And then the joy sets in for them. Some how the feeling fades away and I become happy for them. But until that feeling passes I put on a happy face and tell them Congratulations. It’s just how I deal.

I don’t want to deal anymore. I want to be. I want to truly be happy for them when they tell me, excited for them. After all it’s  been over a year, shouldn’t I have moved on by now. Though when July rolls around I know I’m going to cry. We should’ve been celebrating our sweet little baby’s first birthday. Instead we’ll carry on, and get through the day.

What’s harder almost though than knowing someone else is carrying a baby, is the face Joel gets when he finds out. It’s pure disappointment. He wants another baby just as much as I do. The baby we lost was one that brought us together after a rough  patch in our marriage. The loss brought us closer. We’ve struggled to figure out where to go from here since, but have finally found a common path. One we want to head down together.

So tell me, how do you over come this? Will I feel like this, until we complete our family and have another baby? What if that day never comes? That is the real question.

Big Ole Pitty Party

I’m having a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit this year. Not sure what it is. Joel is gone tonight, and it’s hitting me really hard that we don’t even have our tree up and it’s the 11th of December. I don’t have shopping done. And after looking over our accounts, it’s going to be hard to finish up this week like I’d hoped.

I keep thinking about our miscarriage. Why I’m not sure. Probably because we’d talked of looking into adoption or foster care around Thanksgiving, and haven’t done more since.

I miss my mom. I hate this time of year because she’s not here. The last time she was here for Christmas was 6 years ago. We have plenty of family that loves us, and we get to see around Christmas time, but there is something about having your mommy home for Christmas.

Joel isn’t home tonight. I’m not missing him because I know he’s having a good time. And the kids are actually being angels so what the hell my deal is, is beyond me. Just a a big ole pitty party I guess. I have so much on my to-do list, and nothing is getting done.

Seriously, anyone who knows me IRL can come over tomorrow and help get me in gear to get my tree put up, and cookies made. And maybe help time slow down for just a little bit! I’m overwhelmed!

….testing….

Hello everyone. Seems I always end up writing these types of posts when I’ve been gone for a while. I know, a while is a bit much this time. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without blogging before.

I’m in a funk. You see I’m not sure what happened. Okay so I am, Life Happened.

We’ve been busy. But there are TONS of moms who are just as busy, if not busier than I, and find time to blog. I guess part of my problem is I feel like I’m ignoring my family if I sit in my office and blog all night. Because let’s be honest here. I’m not a morning person.

I haven’t forgotten about my blog, I’ve tried to write this post many of times:

Oh how I miss you. I miss my friends that blogging has made, I miss that I don’t get to share my family with the world. I miss how easy it was to just tell you all the little things. There are a lot of things going on in my life right now. And crazy enough, it’s simpler now than it was when things were really rough. But I still have neglected to come here. I’m not sure why. For fear that you’ll all look at me in a different way, or that I won’t get it into the words that I actually want to say. I feel lost. Lost at blogging, lost as a parent, lost as a wife, lost in life. I’m so tired of people thinking that I should be someone I’m not. I’m not perfect. I never have been. But the part that’s the hardest is, I think I should be perfect.

That was just one of the many blog posts, during my darker days. Now that Christmas is right around the corner I’m glad to report that I’m trying to be more positive. I’m trying to be a better mommy, wife, blogger, friend. But not all days are sunny and shiny.

Please just bear with me, as I come back to this journey of  blogging love. Because really I DO miss you all!