Overcoming this feeling

If you’re new here you might not know that we’ve had a miscarriage. Only one, so please don’t feel overly sorry for me there are moms out there who truly know the loss. We’re just amatures when it comes to this whole thing. We have friends who’ve had multiple losses and have no kids yet. So I don’t really feel that bad for myself. I mean come on, I have 3 perfectly healthy children what more could I ask for.

But yet there is this sinking feeling every time someone else tells me they’re pregnant. I get angry. Upset. Anxious. And then the joy sets in for them. Some how the feeling fades away and I become happy for them. But until that feeling passes I put on a happy face and tell them Congratulations. It’s just how I deal.

I don’t want to deal anymore. I want to be. I want to truly be happy for them when they tell me, excited for them. After all it’s  been over a year, shouldn’t I have moved on by now. Though when July rolls around I know I’m going to cry. We should’ve been celebrating our sweet little baby’s first birthday. Instead we’ll carry on, and get through the day.

What’s harder almost though than knowing someone else is carrying a baby, is the face Joel gets when he finds out. It’s pure disappointment. He wants another baby just as much as I do. The baby we lost was one that brought us together after a rough  patch in our marriage. The loss brought us closer. We’ve struggled to figure out where to go from here since, but have finally found a common path. One we want to head down together.

So tell me, how do you over come this? Will I feel like this, until we complete our family and have another baby? What if that day never comes? That is the real question.

Big Ole Pitty Party

I’m having a hard time getting in the Christmas spirit this year. Not sure what it is. Joel is gone tonight, and it’s hitting me really hard that we don’t even have our tree up and it’s the 11th of December. I don’t have shopping done. And after looking over our accounts, it’s going to be hard to finish up this week like I’d hoped.

I keep thinking about our miscarriage. Why I’m not sure. Probably because we’d talked of looking into adoption or foster care around Thanksgiving, and haven’t done more since.

I miss my mom. I hate this time of year because she’s not here. The last time she was here for Christmas was 6 years ago. We have plenty of family that loves us, and we get to see around Christmas time, but there is something about having your mommy home for Christmas.

Joel isn’t home tonight. I’m not missing him because I know he’s having a good time. And the kids are actually being angels so what the hell my deal is, is beyond me. Just a a big ole pitty party I guess. I have so much on my to-do list, and nothing is getting done.

Seriously, anyone who knows me IRL can come over tomorrow and help get me in gear to get my tree put up, and cookies made. And maybe help time slow down for just a little bit! I’m overwhelmed!

Mowing the lawn

What’s your take on mowing the lawn?

Personally to me it’s something that should be done on a regular basis, along with trimming too. As soon as the grass starts to look shaggy, it needs to be cut.

Sadly this is NOT what happens at our house. Usually what happens is we get to it when one of us decides that it HAS to be done….as in we might get a notice from the Village if we don’t get it cut. (okay so it’s never actually been bad enough to think about getting a notice but I’m sure our neighbors are talking about it!)

Last night I mowed the lawn. For the first time in.a.month. The front lawn didn’t look to bad, and it only choked up the lawnmower once. Inside our privacy fence was another story though. There was weeds grass that were taller than the lawnmower. Let’s just you could’ve lost a small child back there…..I’m surprised I didn’t find one!

Please tell me I’m not the only one that totally let’s the lawn go at the end of the summer. Only to curse the whole time I’m trying to get it “back in shape.” It’s so embarrassing, that I didn’t even take pictures! Because that would mean I would actually have to admit that it got that bad!

Did you miss us?

I’ve had my computer back for about a week now. Life has hit us with full force here lately, and I’m struggling to get back into the swing of things. I loved not having a computer. I hated not having a computer. (only because the same time the computer cord went bad, the Direct Tv box went bad) We were outside as a family, we played together, we talked. I loved it. But I have a job, online which requires me to blog, facebook and tweet. A job that I love, but after being away for so long, that takes time.

Just like blogging here. I love it, but lately I’ve gotten so lax it’s not even funny. I’m not sure what happened to me. Taking pictures has also taken a back seat. I used to download about 200 pictures a time every couple days, weeks at the most. The last 3 months I’ve downloaded about 200 pictures per MONTH! I feel HORRIBLE. I hate that I don’t have them there for my kids.

Since I realized that fact a little under a week ago, I’ve already got 200 pictures for the month. And I’m working on more. I’ve just decided I need to get my camera out more often. My kids need these memories. Just as much as I do. I need to get my mind off of things. Baby #4’s due date is fast approaching and it sucks every time I see someone who is hugely pregnant. Someday the wounds will heal but for now they’re fresh and open. Maybe getting past that date will just make it easier.

We’ve got a lot coming up in the next two weeks. Two weeks from tomorrow my step sister will make the biggest mistake of her life be getting married to a great guy! And we’ve got a lot to do between now and then! I just can’t believe it’s that soon already. This weekend is her bachelorette party, and we have some fun things planned.

If you’re still here thanks for reading. I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things soon. There are TONS of pictures to blog about!! Okay so you know that isn’t true if you really read this whole post. But there are lots of different things we’ve done that need blogging!

I’ve been Tagged

I’ve been tagged by three separate bloggers in the past couple weeks! I love making such good bloggy friends, and I love it when they give me awards. Sometimes I’m not good about responding. Today I want to get them all into one post, and tag some more great bloggy friends!

*Sadly I cannot find the other two nominations! I know who they were, I just cannot find their blogs….and well Joel is chomping at the bit to get cows moved today! I’d better get a move on so I don’t upset him! LOL So if you tagged me, please please let me know again in these comments and I’ll dedicate another post to it!!!! *

Jess over at Welcome to the Zoo tagged me with this lovely award! You might remember I helped Jess out a while back by getting a bunch of cloth diapers donated and mailed out her way! She’s such a sweet lady!!

The Rules:
1. Thank the person who gave you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Pass the award along to 15 bloggers who you have recently discovered and who you think are fantastic!
4. Contact the bloggers you've picked and let them know about the award.

First of all Thanks Jess! You’re such a sweet mama and I’m glad to know you! I’m glad we’ve become friends!  I’ve decided I’m going to share 15 things about myself, and then tag 7 mommies!!! Mainly because of time constraints I’m doing it this way!

1. I hate doing laundry. Well not so much washing/drying just folding. I also hate to put it away. It’s not uncommon to come over to my house at any time and see a basket of laundry or folded laundry just sitting on my floor. In fact there are two baskets sitting in the living room now, and folded laundry just sitting there! :(

2.I love baseball season, and Joel is coaching. Which means I’m doing books. . . I have no idea what I’m doing when it comes to books! OOPS! I’m getting there though! Joel just laughs at them!

3. Sometimes I schedule my blog posts. Really I don’t know if I’d ever blog if I didn’t schedule things.

4. This blog post was interrupted mid way because Joel woke up from his mini nap, and declared that it was time to leave. NOW. to move cows.

5. Yes we have cows, No we do not live on a farm. Unfortunately. Hopefully soon though.

6. I love watching Food Network. I wish I could cook like that, I’m sure I could if I tried, but I don’t try. Plus some of the things they make I know my family wouldn’t eat.

7. I also love watching HGTV and all the design shows. I wish I had a $2000 budget for every redesign I’d love to do! Sometimes I secretly think I could do it for way less!

8. I’m a horrible housekeeper. Oh wait we kind of discussed that in number 1, didn’t we?

9. The reason I’m a horrible house keeper? My friends live in my computer. My sanity lives in my computer. I get on the computer to get socialization. I know if I actually got my housework done I could make real friends outside my computer…..Don’t worry Joel and I argue about this all the time, so don’t tell him I actually admitted that. (BTW Joel if you’re reading this, which I’m sure you are….just totally ignore this one!)

10. I love to cook, but can only do it if the kitchen is clean. Want to know when my kitchen gets clean? Yup right before I cook it…

11.Secretly I’d love to have  a clean house. I go to bed thinking of ways I can be a better housekeeper, better wife. Sadly when I wake up though those ideas are gone.

12. Why do all these random things have to do with cleaning….probably b/c my house is trashed and I know it! :(

13. I love to read. Books. But not steamy romance novels. Nope I like Jr & HS fiction. Why I have no idea. I can’t seem to read slutty novels or even science fiction novels.

14. I can crochet…..but I hardly ever finish anything. I’ve only ever finished 3 things. A blanket for Kaitlynn…..(that I started for MacKenzie), and the hat & sweater I did for my niece.

15. I also love to sew! But see number 14.

16……….I know I said I’d only do 15……but I forgot to tag people! :( OOPS!!! See how forgetful I am!

I’m going to tag these amazing blogs, not only because they’re my friends, but because I love reading what they write!
Katie from Katie Talks About
Amanda from “popp”ing out one letter at a time
Melissa from My 2 Blessings
Gayle from The White House
Joanna from Baby Gator’s Den 
Kelli from Betters Days Ahead

My thought bubble

I’m just going to pop it. Today was a long day. Yesterday was a long day. And to think it’s Sunday and tomorrow is Monday. Honestly I cannot believe tomorrow is Monday.

Today, well that wasn’t supposed to be much of anything. Just a bridal fair to attend with my step-sister who is getting married in July. I’m her personal attendant/wedding planner (self appointed title. I want to make her day as easy as possible). On my way home last night I even stopped at the store and bought cinnamon rolls and chocolate milk for a big/family breakfast this morning.

When I woke up to the phone ringing at 7:15 am, I should’ve just known the day wasn’t going go as planned. Joel had been out since around 6am and so I figured it was him but I wasn’t expecting my dad. What came out of his mouth next made me want to go back to sleep and quit dreaming. He informed me that Joel needed me to call our veterinarian. If you’ve been reading my blog long, you know we have cattle. Seems one of my dad’s first calf heifers (first time mama) had a massive calf and there was nothing Joel could do to get it out. Fast forward an hour later and we’re preparing the cow for a c-section.

Fast forward another  2 hours and we’re on our way home and just about 20 miles from home. What happened next? Yup, you guessed it ladies and gents. We blew a flipping tire on the trailer….and did we have a spare/jack/everything you need to change a tire? Nope. (well technically we had a tire but it wasn’t a good one) The guys left in such a hurry trying to save mama and baby that we didn’t throw the jack and good tire in the truck.

It has been a long day to say the least! I was more than ready to just relax, but remember we had the bridal fair. Thankfully all went as planned there!

But tomorrow will be another long day. It’s been 7 weeks 2 days since our (my) miscarriage. I’m still bleeding. (sorry if TMI) This sucks! I’m done. Really. If you follow me on twitter, you would know that 3 weeks ago I went in to the doctor for depression/anxiety attacks and talked about it with him then. We did an ultrasound that day and everything looked okay. He figured it would be over then. Well um, nope. So I go back tomorrow for another ultrasound and appointment with the doc. Say a little prayer that all goes well, and we can figure out what’s wrong?!?! Cause if I’m not low on iron it would surprise me!

Good night…….from my little though bubble

Sometimes I'm a slacker

But not always! I promise! Ever since I figured out the new blog header I've been working diligently on a new background, buttons, and even another new header!

I've also been working on getting a few FUN reviews lined up! Along with lining up reviews, comes actual testing of things, and such is fun.

It also has been raining here. Almost non stop. For days. Seems like weeks. Okay so we've had a few breaks in the clouds, and a few peeks of sunshine. When it's June, and it feels like April, I'm not taking many pictures. Thus the lack in blog posting. I'm sorry my dear friends!

So I've decided since I don't have any fun pictures to post (although I'm sure I could find some if you ask hard enough!) I'd like to play a fun game! I want to know how many people we actually have following us on a daily basis!

What do you want to know about us (within reason)? We'd love to get to know you all a little better, and the same for us to you. So here's the deal. Leave one unique thing no one knows about you, and a question! I'll leave this post open for a week, and we'll go from there!

***there may be a small gift involved, to the one who gives us the most unique thing!***

What does it take?

To get rid of the dandelions? We've tried Scott's Turf Builder plus Weed Control, 2-4-D, you name it we've probably done it! I'm so tired of seeing those little yellow blossoms pop up in the yard.

The sad thing is, my children love them. The one "flower" that I'll let them pick as many as they want without getting upset. Why can't I just get them to pick them all though? Whenever I go to mow the lawn MacKenzie will come running up to me, and say "please don't hurt my pretty flowers, I love them SOO much."

What does it take to get rid of them...that or convince my kiddos that we HAVE to pick every last one of them!? Any suggestions?

Hello All

Okay so I've been wanting to do this for a while now, and thanks to Sky, I finally found a spot that ... hopefully...knock on wood... I'll really like!

Things are great with us, and I can't believe that it's almost Easter! I have NOTHING bought yet for the kid's baskets, but I do have their outfits, and I do have to say I'm so excited to get them in them. Of course I had to buy the girls matching dresses!